rose_dewdrops

Small update

It's been a while since my last post, and a lot has happened since then.
The week after my last post I felt a lot better, even though the stress and fear never went away completely. So I did all my resits, and failed all but one. Which meant I wasn't able to finish my first year at the university, again. I had the possibility to continue studying, but without being able to attend any classes. But that also meant I'd have to do all the courses I was unable to pass in the last two years all over again. So that, combined with the fact that my self-esteem is below zero, made me decide that I probably couldn't handle it mentally to try it for another year. It wouldn't be good to go down that road, again.
So. I'm not completely sure what to do next, but I got some time to figure it out. Right now, it's bedtime.
  • Current Mood
    tired tired
bethhart1

Uncomfortably numb

It’s the strangest and most uncomfortable feeling I’ve ever had in my entire life. It’s so strange I can barely describe it. It’s like this constant weight on my entire body. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t even drink. And that, my friends, is highly unusual. Having a glass of wine in the evening is my way to relax, to ‘finish the day’. And now… I just can’t. I get up in the morning with absolutely no desire to do anything. And it doesn’t get better throughout the day. I feel sick to my stomach, so I don’t eat. I’m tired, but I can’t sleep. I keep studying, but I’ve lost every tiny bit of motivation to stay really focused. It’s like I already know in the back of my mind that I’m not gonna make it. But then I can’t relax or de-stress to clear my mind and focus again.

It’s so damn frustrating… beyond words. I hate it so much that I want to cry, but I can’t. Like my mind is on lockdown and my body is on autopilot. I don’t see or feel things like I normally would. When I’m walking down the street  I’m completely numb. Everything is weird and unreal. It feels like I’m light-headed but at the same time there’s this constant pressure in my head.

I guess it’s the constant feeling of stress and fear. Stress, because I have my first resit in less than two weeks. Fear, because this is my last chance. If I don’t make it this time I won’t be able to sign up for next year. Which means I would have to quit university, once again, and will have failed to get through my first year of university, again. Like my life is a vicious circle I can’t get out of.

I just feel so… incapable. And I feel horrible that I would let people down. Not just me, but also my parents. Especially my dad. He wants me to graduate from university so badly. And I seem to fuck it up every single time.

  • Current Mood
    uncomfortable uncomfortable
rose bw

I think I'm coming down with diptheria

This is bullshit.
It's like I drop my guard for 10 seconds, be vulnerable and a little depressed, and I get sick immediately. I've felt like crap all day. It's amazing I got any work done at all, when all I wanted to do was stay in bed and ignore the big bad world around me. I feel like my head's stuffed with pillows and a leaking bucket of... never mind. It's annoying!

I think I should crawl into bed now, with a nice hot cup of tea and Sense and Sensibility (the movie that is).
Mmmm, yes. That sounds good.

Must not forget to buy some fruit tomorrow. Get some vities. Vities are good.
  • Current Music
    Beth Hart - G.O.P.
satine_moulinrouge

Oh, the joy of family

This morning, at breakfast, my dad and I were having a conversation about cultural differences, since he saw a movie which portrayed that quite admirably last night. Consequently, we ended up talking about my two brothers' wives; Y. and M.
We discussed their unwillingness to adjust to our culture and to (try to) speak our language. I guess it's less of a problem when they actually speak another language that you master as well. But it's totally different when you can't communicate with the other person... at all. Which has been the case with M. for about 3 years now.

All this time has passed and I still don't know who she is and what she's all about. And neither do my parents. I do know she was a total bitch to me when I was in Peru last winter, and that hasn't changed much since we are back.
I liked her when she came to our country 3 years ago, when my brother introduced us to her for the very first time. I liked her. She was sweet, a little shy, but overall warm and helpful. We never really talked, but we did make a few attempts in which she spoke Spanish to me and I replied in Dutch (since she was learning it). But then, after 3 years, I got to know her a little better in her home country, in her comfortable surroundings of her family, and I realized she is not that nice. I'll skip all the details, but let me tell you that I never felt so far from home. I never felt so alone and insignificant. At first, she stopped talking to me in Dutch. Then she stopped talking to me period. After that, she didn't even look at me, like she hated me for being around. As you might understand, this was officially the worst holiday ever. Period.

So I ended up hating her, and her family, and all other Peruvians. Dramatic, huh? 
It's just that I've come to identify the place and the people with all the bad memories and feelings I had, and still have. So in a way, it makes sense to me. But I guess... only to me.
And although I feel like a complete sucker for thinking, feeling, admitting or even saying it, I ended up hating my brother as well for loving her. I try my very best to ignore the fact that she hates me and doesn't care about my family, which her antisocial behavior (that clearly states her indifference) proves. And I try to be happy for my brother that he has found the love of his life (apparently) and wants to build a life with her, but I just can't.

My brother and I always have been so close, especially after my mom "got sick". But since he met her, we've been drifting apart. Which escalated since our little "holiday". Now I hardly see him. It's been 3 months since I talked to him. I mean really talked, not the casual chitchat and little jokes. And it hurts me. I miss him. And I wonder if he misses me too.
I know that the bonds you have with your siblings always change when you grow up. It's normal. Of course it'll never be exactly the same. And I know it's normal that you sort of drift apart, start leading your own life. But I guess it's more difficult to accept when I feel so left behind, unimportant, and alone. Especially when I can't communicate, like, or even be around his spouse, his love.

So I started disliking everything that happened to him or in his life. I disliked his new house, which actually isn't that bad, but I still feel like all sorts of things are wrong with it. I disliked that he got a new job in Belgium, which completely cuts him off from our country, and which made me think he'll come visit us even less. And I disliked that he got a dog, with the excuse that he feels a little unsafe in his new house and wants a watch-dog, even though the little puppy looks absolutely adorable.  

I hate it. I just hate it.
I hate the fact both my brothers had to marry a peruvian woman.
I hate the fact both of these women are so different in their behavior, compared to any of my friends or people that I know.
I hate the fact that they completely left me AND my parents out of the picture when they got married. We weren't even there, nor invited.
I hate the fact they do this to my parents.
I hate the fact both these women don't seem to want to come over to my parents house to visit them, because I am here.
I hate the fact I feel so unimportant to my brothers, even though me and my oldest brother never were that close.
I hate that I feel so bad for my parents, and so hurt and alone myself.
I hate the fact I can't seem to love my brother in the same way anymore, because I started developing such a strong dislike for his wife. 
I hate the fact that I feel I'll never be able to talk to him again like we used to.
I hate the fact that we'll never be all together again as a family, on birthdays and BBQ's.
I hate the fact that I'm scared a day will come that I will never see my brothers again.
But mostly, I hate the fact that I'm unable to love them no matter what happens. That I can't wish them well without hating them at the same time. That I feel like I don't want good things to happen to them, that they don't deserve it.
Mostly, I hate me.
  • Current Mood
    depressed depressed
katvond

Springtime, finally!

Funny how I always use this journal with huge intervals. Even funnier that there are absolutely no posts between August and March, and that this year is no exception. Perhaps those cold, dark months are too depressing to write about, or I simply forget about LJ when I'm too busy with my "awesome" summer activities. Mainly studying, sitting outside in the sun, having fun with friends and... studying (cause I always have to retake a bunch of exams).

Aaaaaaanyways. Easter break is over. I'm back in Leuven since yesterday afternoon. And I'm currently enjoying a cup of coffee whilst writing my first post in almost a year (7 months, to be exact).
I'm so happy that the weather has finally changed. It's been so long since the nice, warm rays of the sun have touched my skin (even though I went to Peru in December). Enough with the attempt to write something poetic. It's just awesome that it's getting warmer and sunnier and just... better! Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. And it's not just the hot & delicious coffee. I feel pretty good, despite the fact that I didn't sleep that well last night. It's weird to be back here after two weeks, suddenly having to adjust to the noise all around me (au contraire my little hometown). Plus that some crazy lady decided to scream for dear heaven at 5.30 in the morning didn't really help. I was kinda curious but way too tired to get up and see what all the commotion was about. So apart from that... I feel good!

This morning I decided to skip my second class. I just didn't feel like sitting in that dark, damp auditorium, having to listen to some weird old fart rambling about philosophy. He can't even make coherent sentences, which is crucial in this course if you ask me. I decided to go back to my studio and study all afternoon. And it feels great! I finally have the will and energy to sit down and study. And I'm finally getting things done. So my new motto to keep my spirit (and hopefully my grades) up is: do WHATEVER you want WHENEVER you want it. As long as I stick to that, the final weeks of this semester are going to be just fine.
  • Current Mood
    happy happy
rose_dewdrops

Resolution

I decided to start working out again.
Yes. Again!

This must be the umpteenth time wanted to start or actually did start an exercise schedule... lol. I hope this time I'll stick to it.
The last time I actually pulled it off was 4 years ago. 4 Years! My gawd, I can't believe I still have the same insecurity and discontent feelings about how I look. The thing is... I wanna be as fit again as I was 4 years ago. Back then I could do the same exercises without being TOO tired. This afternoon, when I did a 10-minute workout... I was gasping for air in the end! It was ridiculous. It sucks.
Plus I iz getting a gut... and that sucks even more...

SO... I decided I want to be fit again, and toned. Toned is good.
Anyways, the plan so far is to work out at least 3 times a week. I always think it's not that hard but in fact... it is. The hardest part is to stick to the schedule.
...
Wish me luck!
  • Current Music
    Beyoncé - Sweet Dreams
rose bw

Oh happy day... not.

Today was my brother's birthday. It was pretty fun actually. Until a few moments ago... My dad was being a total arse again...
After the BBQ (and even some adventure when our BBQ actually caught fire) we were having desert. Some ice cream. I didn't say a goddamn thing when my dad took another portion. But when I finished a teeny tiny bit of ice cream that was left, and wanted to get a bit more from the new ice cream box... he said: "you sure you wanna do that?"

I lost it... I seriously lost it.
This is the umpteenth time he starts talking shit like this, when he's supposed to watch his OWN diet! I'm not the one with overweight! And I definitely don't comment on his eating behavior when he doesn't want me to or when he feels uncomfortable about it. So I leave him be.
But he never stops! He always says crap like this and then wonders why I'm upset or depressed. The worst thing is that after all this time, and after all these times (and believe me, it has happened quite a lot of times... even this week), he has absolutely NO idea HE is the problem. That it's HIS fault I feel like total shit. But in his eyes it's never him. Always someone else. He turns everything around and says I shouldn't be so sensitive, that I shouldn't be such a drama queen. But he's the one who totally ruins my mood, the birthday party and... everything! He doesn't even have a clue that he said something offensive. God, I do hate him sometimes. For being such a blind bastard that never seems to care.

And in the end... I'm the one who feels like crap, and he hums happily whilst working in the garden.
  • Current Mood
    depressed depressed
katvond bw

Chickaaahn!

So today I got my vaccinations for my trip to Peru in december. And of course, being the chicken that I am, I was scared shitless of those injections. But it's wasn't that bad, thank goodness! YAY! I got one injection in my left arm, and two in the right. Unfortunately the left one did hurt a bit... and now my arm's all sore. I feel like a total puss that I can't move it properly and actually start whining and make silly faces each time I have to move it. It is ridiculous. And to think that my mom got an injection in either her stomach or one of her legs each week for 48 weeks! She's a trooper. She really is. I'm a... well... a chicken.

Other than that I'm totally happy that I finally completed the download I was waiting for. It's the movie  "Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen" with Lindsay Lohan. Oh yes. I LOVE awfully bad, teenage, girly, drama movies like that. They really crack me up when I'm depressed or in a bad mood. It's friggin' fab!

And now I have to write an email back to L. She used to be my best friend. Now she's just an annoying and spoiled twat who only cares about herself and her caveman (aka. her boyfriend). It's difficult let alone frustrating to communicate or hang out with her. Gawd. You know the first thing she said to me when I emailed her after a long time? "I thought you would reply to my previous email. Why didn't you do that?" Even though after she sent it... we talked on the phone! So what's the use in replying to stuff you've already talked about! 
I SO do not feel like doing this. But the über social and soft side of me thinks I should try to be nice. I'll try...  
  • Current Mood
    okay okay
rose bw

(no subject)

I just came back from the exam. It went REALLY bad. Shocker.
I knew it wasn't going to be good, but I wasn't expecting that I didn't know ANYthing. In fact, I think it was my worst exam EVER, period. 

I fucked up evurythang. Evurythang? E-VU-RY-THANG!!
  • Current Mood
    aggravated aggravated
dark side

Fucked up

Today... was pretty much fucked up. I hardly got any sleep. I woke up several times and then suddenly everything started spinning in front of my eyes. Then... when I woke up after finally being able to sleep a bit [ I'm guessing 30 minutes... an hour tops ] I was still fucking tired.
After I packed my shit to return to Leuven, I went to the supermarket to buy some food [ I didn't want to buy the extremely expensive food in Belgium ]. Then... me and my parents went to Leuven by car. I drove. It was awesome. Thennn, we had dinner together... pizza with chicken [ fucking delish! ] and a sandwich for my mom since she doesn't like pizza.

They left about one and a half hour ago. Since then, I haven't been able to bring myself to study for my exam tomorrow. It's late, I'm fucking tired... and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna fuck up the exam anyway. No way am I ready for it. I think I studied a third of the entire book I'm basically supposed to know by heart. So, yeah. I'm fucked. And it is fucked up.

This means, however, that I have to retake the exam in August or September. Probably a total of 6 or 7 exams. Which means I most likely have no time to go anywhere this summer. Which means I will be studying 2 month's straight. Which means I fucked up, majorly. Which means I'm a twat [ fortunately not as bad as someone else I know ].

Urgh, tired. I think I'm just gonna eat the chocolate mousse I bought this afternoon. And watch some La Ink. Yes. Sounds loads better than mentally hanging myself with the computer-mouse cable.

Still. Fucked up.
  • Current Mood
    exhausted exhausted